If You Don't Look Good, We Don't Look Good

 Readers, say this next word out loud as you read it: "spa." It's almost like saying, "ahhhh," and that may be by grand design. A trip to one of the many mani/pedi, massaging, and beautifying relaxation businesses in the area will yield the sensation of feeling good - and looking it, too.

 Spa visits have come a long way; if this were the '70s, men wouldn't want to have anything to do with the concept of cutting cuticles, unless it was the name of an event at a tractor pull. Nowadays, men are a little more put together … and like women.

 Here's a Patch-ified guide to local spa spots - make some time to pamper thyself … and maybe your favorite writer.

 Here a some cool places to go to de-stress, beautify, and look your metro best.

Pamper Thyself Doesn't Mean Wear a Diaper

1. Europa Nails Spa (577 Pompton Avenue, Cedar Grove; 973-239-2224 ) Europa offers a full list of services for men and women, including a chair message. They do waxing, curing people of uni-brows and the like, as well as the painful (presumably; this is written not from personal experience) back area.

2) Message Envy (285 Pompton Avenue; 973-571-1322) - here's a place that this writer once thought was in in the business of making green-eyed monsters out of people who didn't get a lot of texts or something; the name was mistakenly read as "message" (as in some kind of note) envy.

Alas, the purple logo-ed rubdown-and-more headquarters offers so much, and the staff even enjoys it. Manager Warren Bryson reports that he "uses the hot stone" message -  "it's good for melting away aching muscles." He comically adds that it's especially effective in feeling better, "when people are trying to get in shape in one week!" He's also found of the four facials on offer - "they're good for spring, for opening up pores and reinvigorating yourself."

Newbies, one cool aspect is that Message Envy wants you; they want you, as the new recruit - all first timers (all those already listed in the central Message Envy brain unit) are eligible for up to 50% various discounts on various services - including the hot stone treatment.

One more thing: the store's phone hold message is funny - a voice says "Massage Envy is the feeling everybody wants." Get it? Got it? Good.

More Spa Action:

 3) Antonio Michael Salon (21 Grove Avenue, Verona; 973-239-3601) - Antonio and co. represents one of those hybrid-type of business that are to the benefit of the customer - they also do hair. They cut it, color it, and can even work your mane into the aging rock star look of this writer. They also do nails, waxing (ouch), and facials.

 4) Como Bella (344 Pompton Avenue, Cedar Grove; 973-239-5300) - In Italian, "coma bella"  roughly translates to "like nice," and this place nails it. Literally. They focus more on nails, but also do some facial work.

 5) Crisann The Spa (280 Bloomfield Avenue, Verona; 973-571-0100) - Crisann is well-known in the area for pampering and

What are you waiting for? Work out those kinks, get that back waxed, and please, rid thyself of that mustache.